You think that's bad?

According to a number of t-shirts I've read, "There's no "I" in team!" As near as I can tell, this cliche is meant to remind sports players to work together for the benefit of their team, instead of competing to stand out as a glorified individual.

That said, there is an "I" in oneupmanship. Or at least there would be if oneupmanship was an actual word. Word or not, the phenomenon exists. You know, the people whose experiences are always bigger, smaller, better, worse, faster or slower than anything you've lived through? And never miss a chance to tell you so? If you're not sure what I'm talking about. Here's an example:

There was a high school kid in class today with a hideous gash on his finger. Seriously, I shuddered every time it came into my line of sight. I wondered about the origin of the gash, and even spent some time trying to think of a polite way to ask, "Jes#s, what the f#ck happened to your finger!?" But didn't come up with anything.

Fortunately, the kid sitting next to him started talking about the "finger spectacle" and how looking at it was making him sick, which gave me an opening. So I asked, "Jes#s, what the f#ck happened to your finger!?" Okay, I worded it a bit differently, but he knew what I meant.

Apparently, he cut it at home on a band-saw. I asked if he went to the doctor for stitches and he said, "I went to the doctor, but there wasn't enough to stitch together." (Prolonged shudder!) But I guess that accounts for the large, scabby nature of the gash. As the color drained out of my face, the kid went on to explain how the doctor spread the wound open and gave him two shots of Novacaine right into the blood and guts of it all.

At that point the kid next to him, piped up to say, "Well, I had an ingrown toenail once, and I had to get three shots of Novacaine to get it removed!"

A classic oneupmanship play! You see, the giant, gaping finger gash only required two shots, while the sore toe took three shots. Three is more than two, so ha! The toe takes it!

I'll tell you one thing, if oneupmanship was a sport, I'd want that kid on my team!