A scary old elf indeed

His pants are shiny, his bag is black and he’s wearing a U of O football shirt... is that really supposed to be Santa Claus? Looks more like Creeper Claus to me! And don’t even get me started on the way he’s holding that helmet—dollars to donuts he’s hiding more than a candy cane under that thing!

If you ask me, it’s all a bit frightening. Then again, I’ve encountered a Santa in creeps clothing before.

When I was growing up, a guy living across the street from our grade school would regularly put on a Santa hat and furry red coat. Then he’d stand outside the fence and stare at us during noon recess. Sound a little creepy? Well yeah, it was absurdly creepy!

Our teachers told us he dressed that way and watched us because he had a “mental problem.” Perhaps that was supposed to be reassuring. I’m here to tell you, it was not.

At any rate, to this unfortunate yard decoration is giving off the same creeptastic vibe as that leering elf of long ago. Honestly, a guy wearing a few Santa accessories with a T-shirt (of all things) and pants that don’t even match? Let me clue you, that ain’t Santa Claus—not by a long shot!

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any more disturbing, here’s one from an NCAA school that’s been in the news recently:


Picking up on the creepiness now?

Yeah. Probably best to stay away from his sack. I’m just saying...

Up, up—go away!!

To all the people who told me mice can’t climb walls...



I say bullshit!

found on Overstock.com...

Hmm, I don’t know anyone that needs one of these—so two seems sort of extreme.

Then again, given the current state of labor unions in Wisconsin, this might be a great time for a savvy entrepreneur to set up a sweat shop.

more Craigslist

This was posted by a retired stripper selling costumes. Hopefully, she’s moving on to greener pastures, which is great.

The ad makes me a little sad though... I guess because of the missed opportunity it represents. I mean stripping for money is one thing. But selling stripper costumes without using "Stripper Clothes, Half Off!" as a headline?

Well that’s just bad taste...

The long and short of it all

There's a relatively new alterations "store" in the Janesville mall. I stopped in today to drop off a jacket and two shirts I needed shortened. When I walked in, the man at the counter seemed really happy to see me.

I guess in his line of work, short woman = big business.

Quote of the week:

“Why would he need an iPhone, if he already has an iPod Touch?”

Yeah, because they’re exactly the same—other than the fact that one IS A PHONE and the other IS NOT A PHONE!

I don’t claim to be much of a “techie,” but I think that might be an important difference if the person in question was interested in making or receiving PHONE CALLS.

I’m not saying... I’m just saying.

A receiver blanket?

Hmm, it’s nowhere near Halloween so why is someone selling this football costume now? Well I’m guessing they listed it in anticipation of Super Bowl Sunday. Cute idea, right? Well, maybe it’s just me... but I’m not sure it’s a great idea to dress your baby like a football during the Super Bowl—at least not in Wisconsin during this particular Super Bowl.

Especially if dad is an excitable fan or a former player.

With that in mind I offer this cautionary Haiku:

Super Bowl Sunday
Cheer field goals and touchdowns, but
DON’T spike the baby.

Penny wise and pound foolish...

I scored some awesome Columbia Convert ski pants from a Craigslist seller tonight. They’re a little big, but they were only $10.

Not to mention the fact that I didn’t get killed...so overall a great transaction!

Brain Freeze?

Current Temperature: 16°F

Number of People Wearing Shorts at Pick 'N Save tonight: Five

I can understand how a person might end up at the grocery store in the middle of winter without boots, a warm hat or gloves.
But without a proper pair of pants on one of the coldest days of the year?? That’s taking frozen food to a whole new level!

more Billy Collins....

Sorry, this is just too heartbreakingly adorable not to share.



Litany

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

Who says The Gazette needs a proofreader?

Okay, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they must have been having technical difficulties. This is how the story looks today:

I laugh every time I see this commercial!

relatable imagery

When it’s Colder than Hoth outside...

take Han Solo’s advice and stay cozy warm “inside” your very own Tauntaun!


*Pre-sliced for easy access!*

Sweetness and Light

The latch on my car door was frozen when I left work tonight.

I was able to get the door open— but it wouldn’t close all the way.

This meant I had to physically hold the door shut as I drove home. A process made even more enjoyable by the fact that I was “lit” from above by the overhead light. Since it was dark outside, the spotlight effect made the idiocy of my situation more visible than it would have been earlier in the day.

Why didn’t I turn the light off? Well, it wouldn’t go out —because the door was open!

On the plus side, given my “mood” at the time I guess we can all be glad that light doesn’t transmit sound... or fury!

Craigslist... of lies!

Okay, I guess it’s not completely outside the realm of possibility for a mother, unsure of her daughter’s size, to buy five bras for her daughter to try on.

It’s also possible that one part of the theoretical mother/daughter pair might lose a receipt.

That said, the fact that the “mother” in this scenario appears to have purchased four bras in exactly the same size, style AND color raises some red flags. Maybe it’s just my suspicious nature, but it kind of makes me think that the person posting this ad has the concept of “buying” confused with shoving every item hanging on the nearest rack into her purse.

In this case the 36D rack—on which, a 38C was mistakenly hung.

Haiku: part II

Need warm winter coat
Ordered new ipod instead
Hope it doesn't snow

Okay, I’m not familiar with this crafting technique...

...but I’m not putting one of these on my head...

Do you... Haiku?

On Thanksgiving eve
Corn casserole dish to pass
I forgot the corn

Yeah, can you believe it? I forgot the main ingredient to the only thing I have to make (D'oh!). Which meant another trip to the store—apparently the rest of Janesville forgot ingredients too, because Pick N' Save was packed!

I ended up waiting in the checkout line behind a woman and her teenage daughter. They were buying a giant frozen turkey. At one point I heard the daughter ask, "What are we doing tomorrow anyway?"

It occurs to me that most teenagers would know what was going to happen on Thanksgiving Day—but not this kid. Come to think of it, it's probably good that she didn't have any preconceived notions.

Because buying a giant frozen turkey at 9:30 the night before Thanksgiving, doesn't bode well for eating turkey the day of Thanksgiving.

I’m thankful for:

My job—even though it’s temporary, and I may be out on my ass as of December 31st.

Seriously though, this latest gig has been a real lifesaver. I was in pretty dire straits there for awhile. But this job has done a lot to refuel my outlook—both financial and psychological. After being out of the full-time work world for so long, I needed to get back in the swing of things, to feel useful again, to learn some new skills and more importantly—I needed to earn some damn money!

This job has given me all that, and a shot of confidence to boot! So, whatever happens at the end of December, I can assure you I’ll be in a better place than I was in back in June.

That said, keep your fingers crossed—I’m kind of hoping they’ll keep me around a little longer.
Like January or February maybe...?